


Shut it love actually!

by Iily7



Category: The Thick Of It
Genre: Crack Fic, Explicit Language, F/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:43:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13341501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iily7/pseuds/Iily7
Summary: Ollie, Glenn and Julius are doing something shady in Malcolm's office... to avoid being caught by him and disembowelled they get themselves stuck in Malcolm's pantry, then the noises start....





	Shut it love actually!

**Author's Note:**

> So I read a great fic called 'In The Pantry' which you should definitely read :-) It's on the first page of the BRILLIANT blog fyeahmalcola which I urge any fans to go check out, it's a place for us! Haha there's a link with about 50 fics on the first page and one of them had Malcolm and Nicola in Malcolm's pantry listening to Ollie and Julius. I hope the lovely but anon author doesn't mind but it got the old cogs turning and I've just written a little drabble with the tables turned. I had so much fun imagining Julius, Ollie and especially Glenn's voices and also sending up my own smut writing. It's amazing how unerotic these things seem when they're not written from the pov of the people actually doing it.... haha so, ye, just a crack fic. I hope you enjoy :-) xxxxxxxx

'Shit! Shit, he's coming!' Whispered Ollie looking frantic.  
'Well, it's ok,' intoned Julius, slowly as ever.  
'Fuck this, fuck this I want to live!' Hissed Ollie, hurriedly tidying the documents they'd been rifling through, 'in the pantry! Come on!'  
'Fuck's sake Ollie,' moaned Glenn.  
'Well it's alright for you old man, you've lived your life!!'  
'Oh fuck you!' Said Glenn, all the while moving into the pantry because really, he wasn't that old, and he DID want to live.  
'This is ridiculous,' said Julius in a stage whisper, when they were safely ensconced in the, regrettably small, pantry.  
'Shut up!' Ollie fretted as the door swung theatrically open.

'And another thing, you appalling heap of frump!' They heard him shout; a man homicidal enough to have three, well two grown men and a jumped up poxbridge twat hiding in a pantry.  
'Oh Malcolm if you don't shut the fuck up!' They heard a very distinctive feminine voice threaten.

Ollie frowned, 'is that Nicola?' He mouthed to Glenn who nodded, looking apprehensive.  
'Since when does she talk to him like that?! Did - did Malcolm just GIGGLE?!' Ollie hissed, as the realisation dawned on him as fast and violent as a punch in the face.  
'Oh no.' breathed Glenn as they heard their minister moan.  
'Well this is highly inappropriate.' Huffed Julius, his statement being met with two pairs of eyes that said, no shit.

They heard Nicola gasp and admonish Malcolm, 'don't' she panted 'James will see.'  
'It's your fault woman, you've been driving me fuckin mad ALLLL DAY.' He growled.

'I thought she'd been prepping for her interview,' said Glenn sounding affronted. Ollie rolled his eyes, 'by the sound of it she can do both.' He replied sarcastically.

'Ooooh FUCK yeah,' Malcolm groaned loudly, making them wince. 'Fuck I've wanted to see that pretty mouth round ma cock all day.'

'Christ if I was her I'd bite it off,' joked Ollie smugly.  
'Ye well, wait your turn Ollie, you know your day to blow the boss is a Friday, don't be so eager!' Teased Glenn, amusing himself greatly.  
'Shut the fuck up,' he grumbled. A stellar comeback. 

'Fuck Nic'la! Such a good fuckin girl, so good at sucking ma cock!' 

'I bet you a thousand pounds he says fuck when he comes.' whispered Ollie.  
'How can you be joking at a time like this?!' Glenn hissed at him looking pained, 'god I'll never be able to look at her again knowing, knowing - ' he trailed off, loathe to put it into words.  
'Well it could be worse,' said Ollie, settling in for the long haul, to the sound of Malcolm's foul mouth.  
Glenn looked at him gone out, 'how?! How could it be worse?!'  
'Well I think it would be more embarrassing to hear her come, I mean I bet she's as fuckin loud as any other time,' he laughed 'I mean then I really wouldn't be able to look at her - ' he trailed off as he heard Malcolm say 'stop, stop love or I'm gonna fuckin come, your turn....'

'Oh no,' Ollie was white.

'For FUCKS sake Ollie!! This is your fault!!'  
'My fault! How is it my fault!? It was your idea to be snooping around in - '

'Oooooh Malcolm!' they heard to their dismay. 

'Oh fuck,' said Glenn, burying his face in his hands. 

Her breathy moans pervaded their silent cringing until a very put out Glenn said 'Christ she she sounds like a porn star!'  
'I knew she fuckin would,' grumbled Ollie, 'at least we can have a conversation without worrying they're gonna hear us.'  
'About what?! What do you suggest we talk about at a time like this?!'

'You know,' they both turned to Julius, he'd almost been forgotten in their bickering, 'for a pantry, there are very few biscuits in here.'  
Ollie shook his head, 'your priorities are - '

'Ooooh god YES Malcolm, that's it!'

'-fucking skewed.' He finished when he could be heard.  
'This can't go on for much longer SURELY?' Glenn was almost purple with embarrassment.  
'I wonder how many offices this is happening in,' mused Ollie, then laughed while saying 'I wonder if Claire Ballantine has got someone eating her out as we speak as well - '  
'Ollie!' Glenn admonished. Actually this was quite a good game, the little shit thought. Could he get Glenn to burst with embarrassment?  
'Or Dan Miller? Someone sucking his cyber cock?'  
'For fuck's sake Ollie - '

'Oh god! Ooooh Malcolm you feel soooo good, fuck! Oh god you're gonna make me come!' Nicola panted.

Glenn sent an annoyed glance at the door for the interruption.

'Oh ye, that's it, fuckin come for me Nic'la!' they heard a rather muffled Scottish command. 

'You see,' said Julius all too calmly, 'soon it'll all be over.'  
'Yes.' Said Ollie, 'I'll just need a lobotomy to get over it.'

'Oooooh fuck Malcolm YES!'

'Jesus do you think she's breaking the sound barrier?' Asked Glenn earnestly.

'Oh fuck ye, fuck let me see that pert little arse in the air for me.' They heard Malcolm practically beg. Christ how good was she that she had HIM using a tone of voice like that?!  
'Fuuuuuuuck yes love, spread yer fuckin legs a bit more, I swear I could come just lookin at ye,' he groaned.

'Please do.' Said Ollie, 'we all have homes to go to.'

Then they heard a slap. Glenn and Julius were up immediately, hackles rising.  
'Is he hurting her?' Demanded Glenn, looking furious.  
'Now that is just not on, you do not hit a lady,' grumbled Julius.  
'God I am literally, literally stuck in a cupboard with two virgins,' said Ollie looking at them amazed. 'Of course he's not hitting her! He's spanking her you fuckin idiots!'  
There was a pause as they took that in, punctuated by the sound of Malcolm's hand on Nicola's arse, her whimpers and his grunts, both men looked very confused.  
'But why would, why would she want that?' asked Glenn quietly, 'I've felt his punches, they fucking hurt!'  
'Jesus Christ somehow I think he's not gonna be as rough with her as he was with you you fuckwit!'

Before they could argue more they heard a very loud cry from both of them. The pantry inmates froze for a second wondering if that was it, blessed relief was that it?!  
And then Malcolm's desk started squeaking, Nicola's moans were even higher, even louder than before and Malcolm talked CONSTANTLY.  
'Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ I'm starting to think maybe him killing us would have been preferable.' Said Ollie looking as glum as his boss usually did. Well she wasn't fucking glum now was she?!

'Oh Nic'la oh FUCK ye feel so fuckin good, so fuckin tight and wet for me, Jesus Christ!' gasped Malcolm to Julius' distaste.  
'Is there any need to give us a running commentary of what the insides of someone feels like?' he asked disgruntled.

'Fuck Nic I'm so close!' He panted.

'Come on then bet's still on, 1000 quid he says fuck when he comes, who's in?' Said Ollie far too gleefully in the circumstances.  
'I'm in.' Declared Julius, surprising them both, 'I think he's going to say something political.' He said thoughtfully.  
Ollie looked at him gone out. 'Something political?!' Then he started to smirk, something dawning on him; 'Why is that what you shout when you - '  
'It's nothing to DO with me!' spluttered Julius.  
'Oh my god you do!' Ollie exclaimed delightedly, looking at him like a shark who could smell blood in the water, he could tease him about this forever fuckin more!  
'What do you say?!' He demanded 'FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY AAAAH' Ollie mocked laughing his head off.  
'Now you just see here!'  
'Listen! Shut up both of you or you're gonna be heard, they're nearly done, Nicola has just, well she's just, anyway it's just Malcolm left now.' stuttered Glenn

As they listened to the end of the evenings entertainment they were all surprised.  
'He said her name.' Said Glenn softening a bit. 'Maybe they're in love.' He speculated going all cow eyed.

'God, fuck I needed that,' they heard Malcolm stretch and Nicola agree. 'Ma dirty fuckin lass,' he smiled and smacked her arse.

'Oooor maybe not.' said Ollie wryly.

'Come on, lets go home, gonna make ye scream til yer fuckin hoarse,' he promised lowly as Nicola giggled, the door shutting behind them. 

'Well that shouldn't take much. Think she's perforated one of my ear drums.' grumbled Ollie.

Tentatively they opened the pantry door and looked at the office.  
'I can't believe it looks NORMAL.' Marvelled Glenn, 'I mean how long have they been doing this and we had NO idea?'  
'Just don't touch anything.' Said Julius his hands clasped very primly to his chest.  
'Ye there must be fuckin jizz every where - '  
'Ollie! Will you shut up for once in your fucking life, as if we haven't heard enough! How am I gonna look either of them in the eye tomorrow?' Worried Glenn.  
'Well it was your idea to rifle through his documents!' Accused Ollie.  
'I know! But I didn't know that was going to happen did i??' He retorted.  
The bickering and sniping continued into the night as an oblivious Malcolm and Nicola kissed each other in the back of the car, on the way to his bed.


End file.
